Also first run in bloody hot weather, thank God we didn't get heat stroke or anything.

...finally only starting to change back in various ways.

But what had regressed over a few years will definitely take some time to reverse.

Am still getting more and more aware of the problems I had caused over the years, for that I'm really sorry.

One primary thing was to stop looking out for the needs of those around, rather, just turning to focus on my own problems only.

Things will take time to reverse, so do be patient with me in the meantime please, and pray with me too thanks.

One thing that strikes me now as I study and think things over is this: if these things are an implication of what the Cross had achieved for us all, then what does my difference in thoughts/actions speak about what I truly believe?

Not that doing/thinking things like this would save us, but there's a certain manner to live if we've come to realize and accept the gravity of the situation we were in, and how great the gift that plucked us from the jaws of death.

Have a lot to change...and would need all the help (from God and those around me) I can get to remember daily...and act accordingly.

Later on we get lulled into a state of relaxation/complacency when we see some improvement or when we forget the pain of hindsight.

Which then brings us into the new year, and back into the state of despair/ruin/regret as when we looked back at this one...

See the pattern?

We need to keep self evaluating throughout the year, throughout the times. If this means that we keep being on our toes but yet keep striving to do things better, then so be it. The real rest will come eventually.

The wise look back and keep acting as if there's no time left...because they know there's an eternity coming for sure, for everyone.

I need to be wise.

Though it can be said that the immense pain has largely gone, the problem is that the situation had not improved at all, which leaves us with that the expectations had changed greatly.

It could have been that deep down I no longer view that person as family, or even someone I know. The obligatory meetings and fulfillment of duties had become nothing more than just going through the motion of things, simply because they don't mean anything anymore.

I think a part of me died over this two years, and it's showing in certain other way(s). Don't think this is good...

All who who declare that "Jesus is Lord!" has the Spirit in them.  And it is the Spirit that gives different gifts to different believers as he pleases (hence the term spiritual gifts).  These gifts could also be used outside the church (e.g. skills, character), but they are primarily meant to be exercised for the common good of the church.  Since the source and goal of the gifts are the same for all, the gifts do not determine the value of every individual believer.

Within the church every believer is put in a different position within the church for different functions, just as the body has different parts with different functions.  Every part within the body is important, likewise, every believer within the church is important.  And like the body where every members' suffering and wellbeing is linked with each other, the members of the church are also supposed to be where one rejoices, everyone rejoices together, and vice versa.

The point of the God-given gift(s) cannot be for the pride/glory of the individual, but rather it must always be seen as something to be used for the good of the whole family, and that each person has his/her equally important place within the whole.

That's the kind of world that gives birth to and rewards those who crow about their own accomplishments every now and then. The more often/louder, the better.

Edit: Aren't I thinking the same way when I complain? Urgh.

There was a time where we had the privilege of having good Christian role models in our lives: seeing and experiencing how the good life was done, being encouraged, being made accountable to someone older and more mature in the faith, having an ever deeper understand of scripture with bible study done in a context that guarantees more attention than in a group context.  All these in the accountability and mentor-ship of regular one-to-one meet ups.

For me, that drastically changed when our staff workers were uprooted from the Christian Fellowship.  It was a tumultuous time for all of us student leaders, and that kind of mentor-ship simply disappeared: there's no one around who could/would take up that role to that level as the full-time staff-workers did.

The second great change came when the remaining ex-staff-worker who was in our church left with his family to Australia for theological studies.  It's a good thing.  But as a result, I was suddenly left with the immense responsibility of taking over leadership of the youth group in his place, be it implicit or hinted at.  That meant that the last solid source of accountability for me was gone, the second big blow.

What happened after which is something that no self-respecting blogger would want to write in his/her domain: I simply ran from my responsibilities and abandoned the youths.  I didn't physically leave them, but I simply did nothing at all to discharge my responsibilities to this church/group, allowing it to die off slowly right in front of my blinded eyes.  Whilst there was good that came from it (the older guys/girls stood up after a while to take lead and control the situation, and I'm really proud of them till today), this also serves as a painful reminder of my failings too, till today.

The Tioman trip where I took my Open Water Diver course probably was one of the great turning points for me in this aspect: seeing how even in a "secular" trip context, people like Seating were still fiercely seeking to read the Word almost entirely thoughout the trip, how the whole group showed love to the new friends we met, how P Tai opened up the ground eventually by asking them about the more serious matters whilst still showing great and genuine concern, how the guys all generally did a good job at establishing relationships with the new friends too, how our dear brother JY provided medical help when I started going down with fever before the c.pox outbreak (I ate a hell lot of Panadol I think)...the list goes on, but hopefully this captures the geist of it.

It's way past time to grow up, and move on.

At least I/we have had the great priviledge of having gone under a mentor-ship for a while, where most people probably have no idea what it would have been like to be Timothy under Paul's care.

Even if there's a lack of people to be mentors in here, there definitely are people who NEED to be mentored still.

Even if the same-gender peer accountability amongst isn't very much there like before, even that might be changing soon for the better.  If not, it probably would be hard to find someone though, abandoning the church for the past few years certainly does have its consequence in drifting away from the peers group in general.

The chance to carry on what I abandoned is still there, thank God.  But I have to be serious about doing it right, for their sake.  That's also why I will seriously consider mentoring someone younger as suggested, but I will also need to be prepared to give up my life/time/energy for them.  Nothing less will do.

Words from Paul the Apostle, quoted by a fellow sister in the work: "Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth."

"Do we give up halfway? (Not the same as taking a break, but giving up/abandoning the gospel work)"

Writing this here to remind myself of this in the future.